aura

"may aura ka, (you have an aura)" my best friend told me when i was telling them about the people giving me a hard time in school, we were in a barkada outing then. "may aura ka na hindi ka gusto ng tao kahit wala kang ginagawa. (you have an aura that people won't like you even if you're not doing anything) it's not your fault."

my initial reaction: WTH?? it's like saying, "ampangit mo, pero 'di mo naman kasalanan na pinanganak kang ganyan, (you're ugly, but it's not your fault that you were born that way)". then i was left with a question i had to ask myself: what do i do now?

i kept pondering about it for days, the more it came to my mind, the more i realized it was true.

when i was younger, around 6 or 7, i had this cousin, she was older than me but i liked being around her so much but she never liked to hang around with me. then one day, we were on this family vacation with all of my relatives at the province, she called all of my cousins to play, except ME. But since i was young and naive, i kept following her and i tried everything to get her attention. it was what my sister told me that started to open my eyes to the bitter reality of my so-called life: "hindi mo ba nakikita na ayaw niya makipaglaro sa iyo? (can't you see that she doesn't want to play with you)"

in highschool, the friends i had were the same people i was with in elementary (with the exception of three friends,though). i felt like i had a hard time making friends, i was always the approacher, not the approachee (is that even a word? whatever, you get the point), people never get near me, i always initiate. i also lost the bestfriend that i had since i was 4. i felt like i was alone, so the only way that i could compensate for the lack of friends was to have a boyfriend, which further flushed my reputation down the drain. people felt they had the right to call me a slut, well, yeah, a different boyfriend every year is not really a "dalagang pilipina" characteristic.

in college, i know so many people who hated me, yes, that's exactly the word: HATE. it was depressing. i really didn't know what i did wrong. the things they told me that i did were pretty shallow. it came to the point that i'd cry and pray that the feeling of being alone would fade, and i could just be happy.

then i had to transfer schools in college, and yet another adjustment phase for me. it was good that i still had 2 friends from highschool and 2 others from the university i was from studying in the same school i'm in now. to my surprise, i easily made new friends together with the old ones, or so i thought. of course, being a transferee is hard, you can't really figure out how your new school is alone, so i knew i had to gain company. so i did everything to make my new "friends" happy, i did their case presentations, their powerpoints, the "groupwork" became individual, i typed their 60-page thesis and i even gave them answers to the exams, just to gain their trust, or as we call it in nursing, rapport.

i know you're thinking that what i did is stupid, surprisingly, i know that, too. unfortunately, i only figured it out just now. i, lately, found out that they have been saying things behind my back like they don't "feel" me (READ: "hindi ko siya feel"), during the first day of classes, they also criticized the way i wore skirts at school (they're not short skirts, i LOATHE wearing short skirts because i have huge, no, MASSIVE thighs.), how i was feeling pretty (i never, EVER, said that) or smart. mean much?

i can't and i don't blame everything around me for what i am feeling now. fortunately, i am sane enough to know and understand that i've done things that have hurt people, too. but just like you, i am human, i make so many mistakes, unconsciously or wide awake. but i know that i've done some things right and useful, too. i remember my ever loving boyfriend saying "to every 99% you do right, people will focus on the 1% you did wrong". people do that, i know because i've done that, too, that, i admit whole heartedly.

that same day, my bestfriend said, "don't worry, you have me, you have us." nica, saying things like that is very unlikely of her. you see, my best friend is not that showy, she thinks cheesy stuff/things are awkward, emotions for her are cheesy. so if one day she says "i love you", or "i miss you", or "i got your back", you know that she means it, and it's true. that statement of hers, made me smile.


during that family vacation, my sister said "hayaan mo na sila, sa'min ka na lang sumama. (don't mind them, just come with us instead)" my sister and i fight a lot, but i know that she is very protective of me. my sister is the first person i talk to about my problems because i'm sometimes scared to open up to my other family members, so she tells my family about my problems. and it's funny how my dad's back patting (while i'm crying), my mom's cliche-ish way of saying "hayaan mo na, ang ganda ganda mo para don (don't bother, you're too pretty for that)", my sister's advices (may it be funny or serious) and my brother's sarcasm can make my heart feel light. nothing beats family teamwork :)

and in highschool, even if i lost a best friend, i gained so many friends who understand me and until now, they are the friends i rely to. they are the people who are there for me through my tough times. i even gained a best friend, that although we are different, i love her and her twisted mind.


the people in the university where i used to study, although we didn't get along well before, we're okay now. before i left, they apologized for being mean, and i apologized for my manners, too. i left so many friends there, too. but i know that even if we're very far, they're still there for me, and i'm here for them as well.


and the people i'm dealing with now? meh! i don't care. they could hate me all they want, it doesn't matter. i always tell my boyfriend to be the better person, and i am applying that to myself now. i will be the better person and not stoop down to their level. i will continue to be kind to them, but i will not let them use me for granted anymore. and besides, i still have friends, REAL ones who, i know, have my back, and they have mine, too.


another fact? i have the world's sweetest, most understanding, most caring, most matured and most loving boyfriend in the whole wide world, droooooooooolllll girls, you will never have him. :p



what i'm trying to say is, in this life travel that we have, we will meet so many people that will make us question ourselves and our worth in this world, although we might feel that we are alone, look around, there are actually people who are willing and are patient enough to understand why we act up. there are people behind us that are willing to catch us when we fall and they will even help us become a better person and face our enemies with our chin held up high!

and the cherry on top of the cake? God. He answers all our prayers, it could be in the weirdest way possible, but you'll understand that it's for the better.

CHEERS! :)


--angeLAbeatRIZ